My friend Kat on her wedding day – such a beautiful goddess!
I woke up this morning, after discussing for over two hours with my boyfriend why he recently left me. I felt like we were speaking two different languages sometimes…. feelings? emotions? not knowing where problems come from? I’ve had a good life in general, yes, but it’s also been shaped by the various forms of abuse (mostly from men) and struggles I’ve overcome.
I am quite sensitive when it comes to the way people treat me – that means I am fully aware of undertones and implications and subtle manipulations. After discussing my dissident opinion on a couple issues he has with me ( [1] I think putting my feelings before others is indeed okay when I have trauma to work through or when I’m passed out on the floor in a pool of my own blood – you know, just important things; [2] my character and personality are both changeble; I’ve come quite a ways from where I was 10 or even 5 years ago. Not just more mature, but more loving and understanding and wise.)
But then, after hours of discussing, he mocks the way I feel. I said I would need time to think about a decision, and I base that upon how I feel and the doubts I have now about trusting him. If I can’t treat him badly, then he can’t treat me badly.
How I feel will not be mocked. How I communicate should not be changed without thought or reason to suit his preferences. So here is what I scribbled in defiance, independance and love for myself. It’s not a profound prose, but it comes straight from the universal womb.
